Trainspotting and Rob

Now here's a story Rob told me. A true story mind. Obviously. In Rob's own words.

Now Danny and me are like best buds you see.

This is proof and in no way just a random selfie

Boily I call him. He likes that. Try shouting that to him and see what happens I'm sure you'll be his best bud too.

Now one day he comes to me and says, "Rob I have to make this sequal but it's just no good."

"Boily," I said. "This will not do. What you need is to remove that whole jedi guy from it and have me instead."

"Rob," he cried out dancing around the room. "Rob, you're a genius!"

And so I ripped apart that lousy script about... I dunno something about escaped beggars from jail or sick people and potatoes who cares. So I ripped it up and ate it (delicious!) and soon we were rewriting our own version. I forget what it was about but the main point was that Rob is great.

Anyway after spending all the money on a new mansion for myself old boily seemed upset for some reason. Now why would someone not be happy with that amazing mansion? Make a movie? Who wants a movie when Rob can live in comfort? Talk about selfish.

So he storms off and next thing I know he's making his own version of my film. Bah artists eh? And is Rob the star? No. How rude!



Disclaimer. This might not have happened.

Newsflash! Coffee makes the world go round

You see without coffee the world stops spinning. It just stops. And you don't want the world to stop spinning do you? No? Then read on.

Recently it was discovered that the world is infact a giant coffee bean and we are all enjoying it. So where does the Rob stand on this issue? We asked him.

"More! Want more coffee....COFFFFEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

We decided it was time to leave after he began drooling.

From the coffee mine

News is just coming in on conditions in the coffee mines. Workers seem to be buzzing merrily yet somehow not doing much work.

"I'm working on a novel you wouldn't understand," one worker told us. "I'm freaking out!!!!" another claimed.

However from this mine at least 50 000 tones of coffee beans are dug up before being transported to your homes every day. So who's doing the mining? I've no idea I think I've had too much coffee today! AAAARGH!

The coffee bean world!

Protest have risen in the last few weeks demanding that we stop mining the world of its coffee bean center.

Tea drinkers have declared that coffee drinkers are destroying the world as they continue to mine for it's sweet brown goodness. Mmmmm. Sir Bean, owner of the world's largest coffee mine had this to say "I think this is silly. The world has plenty of coffee to go around. Infact the act of drinking coffee is what keeps the world spinning."

However tea drinkers across the globe were not so impressed. "I gave up coffee a long time ago for health reasons and I feel fine. But it's just not the same! Oh father what have I done?! Give me a coffee someone!!" We quickly provided this protester with a latte.

More as this story unfolds

Newsflash!!! The world is a giant coffee bean!

Scientists have finally come round to the idea that the world is infact a giant coffee bean!

As published in the journal of gibberish Dr. McSomething has confirmed that the world as we know it is not infact the world at all.

"You see coffee comes from plants which grow in the ground but if the world is not coffee then where do these beans come from?" Dr. McSomething claimed in his essay.

However Prof. Whocares of Icantthinkofaname University disputes these claims. "This is preposterous! We all know the world is a giant tea leaf."

This new debate reached a peak when NASA decided to intervene. One of their top scientists insisted that "We do know what the world is made of. Infact we have photographic evidence that the world is not a tea leaf. Such an idea is laughable. Also who are you and how did you get in here?"

So it seems that the world may infact be a giant coffee bean. More as this story unfolds.

What's been happening to Rob?

Oh such terrible things have been happening here since last Rob spoke. He has become old! Oh so old and ancient. Oh the shame ooooh the terror. No he's not 30! Get out of here he's not that old. He's 95 I'll have you know! It's face cream that's the key... eh? What face cream? Nah trade secret not telling you! Only Rob may know and *sniff* he won't even tell me.

Anyway in the last near 10 years Rob has been on a most epic journey. Maybe someday I'll tell the tale. Maybe someday this site will have some logic to it. Maybe Rob will stop speaking in third person but...pffft that would be boring.

Awake

From under the rubble came a deep groan. The Rob, it seemed, had decided to wake up at long last. Removing the masses of concrete and bodies with his unnatural strength (that I've decided Rob has for the bases of this tale) he surveyed his surroundings.

Yes it had been a great battle. Long and hard won. Won? It felt like it for sure yet somehow it seemed wrong. What was this battle about? How long was it fought? Against who was it fought and why? Maybe that is best left unknown. Squids probably. Isn't it always?

Rob's world was in ruins but that was nothing new. Soon it would be a wonderous world of domination with Rob in control (which is often the way of things let's face it).

With a deep sigh Rob began the epic clean up.

So where have I been?

Well Rob's not too sure himself. I kinda found him wondering the streets going on and on about puffins... poor guy. 

You know it's funny how the web changes after only a few years. Once upon a time Youtube was seen as somewhere to post your movies where no one will watch them (except videos of cats) and now it's just people playing video games (and posting movies where no one will watch them). How Facebook was seen as yet another way to keep in contact with friends post high school and now it's where people pretend they understand politics.

What's this got to do with puffins? Well it seems, according to Rob, that there's some kind of government conspiracy (again) where puffins are trying to control our minds for some reason. They are doing this via the internet and we're all doomed for some other reason.

Poor Rob seems he's gone a bit too batty in his old age. Maybe if I punch him in the face hard enough he might return to normal... nope now he's drooling. Worth a shot. 

I'll report back asap with an update on the nutter's status.

From the depths came a mighty squawk!

This morning there was nothing. Well ok that's a lie the world is as it should be only something was missing. Three letters and a dose of insanity. But there seemed little to show of this fact as the world carried on unaware of this outrageous absence.

Then...

With an almighty rumble from nowhere a rip appeared in the fabric of the universe revealing a dark abyss. From within the depths came a mighty squawk as a lone puffin of pure evil swooped and puffined (as all puffins do... look just go with it) its way into the world.

The people ran scared as this feather fiend began its quest to rid the world of fish. Oh no! Who could stop this monster from doing such a nasty thing?

From the rip in space came a lone hand then a body climbed out falling onto the ground with an undignified crash which he was entitled to.

Yes it was old man Rob back from where ever he had been.

Dusting himself off from abyss dust (yes abysses tend to be dusty), Rob looked upon the terror the winged menace was inflicting upon the people and with a strained effort he too took to the skies.

"Puffin," he screamed. "You're mine!"

Something random

Hey all it's old Rob here. And although I've not made a comment here in years a few beers down me and here I am :)

Yes I am Rob151 your lord and master and I'd thank you to bow before me!!

Over here in mansion Rob I've been on the old xbox 360 (a quaint piece of ye olde american technology) and I found a film on netflix. It made me remember how crummy the British film industry is. You know how in America a film is only produced if it is felt that it will make money, yet over here in tiny UK they make many a movie just for the hell of it and whine about the lack of money made from it. There's a reason for that. Most British stuff is all the same: Wannabe Gangsta's, junkies, poverty or pointless teenage crap. True some of these are really good films (Trainspotting for example) yet they're making UK films seem like a genre. Naughty naughty.

Now it makes old Rob wonder why there aren't proper movies made over here for the box office. (We'll ignore James Bond, Harry Potter, Kings speech. I actually like the King's Speech as I too have speech trouble and I can connect). But why can't we make mainstream stuff that will have a chance to sell?

If you watch most British TV or films you'll notice the pretentiousness. No more clear then in the new Dr who episodes. It turns out, of course, that there's such a tiny talent pool over here. That's rubbish. It seems it's more that there's no balls in UK media which is a shame as it means we Brits have to dominate the American media (House), which isn't very fair on you lot.

As a failed director and struggling writer, it seems rather sad. Why are we as a nation so lacking in originality?

I don't know. Just a random rant I'll probably delete tomorrow as I'm sure (if anyone reads this) you're all over seas and this won't relate to you. But still there you go :)

Sponkel News

Over here in the UK it's only the first morning after Team Sponkel unleashed their Cd-i Zelda trailer on youtube and the results are well....interesting.

Within only hours after it's upload (not even 24 yet) this trailer has recieved:

1. 5 stars with 22 ratings
2. 24 comments
3. #21 - Most Discussed (Today) - Comedy - United Kingdom
4. #62 - Top Favorites (Today) - Comedy - United Kingdom
5. #24 - Top Rated (Today) - Comedy - United Kingdom
6. #97 - Top Rated (This Week) - Comedy - United Kingdom
7. 1 link to a myspace account
8. favourited 3 times
9. 166 views

And all this within just over 18 hours. Not bad for 1 minute 11 seconds of film. Who knows what will happen when the actual film is uploaded this Wednesday.

New from the wrold of Sponkel

Team Sponkel today created a small influx of fans as the final trailer for act one of their new CD-i Zelda: The Movie brought in 7 comments within just over ten minutes of the video being uploaded to youtube. The comments are still coming in but with a list of subcribers of exactly 323 as of 17/08/08 there are still many more to come.

Amazing

The Rob song......well it's sort of a song.

I'm Robert the loony man,
My clothes are from matalan.
I'm no longer pretty,
Since I found the chippy,
I'm Robert the loony man,
Rob Rob.


Why do I say such nonsense?


p.s. Don't call me Robert, I prefer Rob.

It's cold in here today for some reason. I don't know what possessed me to kick all the heaters in this mansion. Guess I just wanted a water fall or two.

But just where did that plumber get to? I only meant it as a joke when I threatened to feed him to the 'gators. Honestly no sense of humour. You should have seen the way he complained when I chained him up so he couldn't leave until he had finished his work.

Still he seemed to get into the spirit of things later on though. All those fake tears and those jokes about wanting to see some children age or something. Funny funny man. Wonder where he has wondered off to?

I found that he picked the locks off his chains. Hmm must be playing hide and seek somewhere round here. Anyway I can't look for him now, there seems to be some funny men at the door. Must be a disco mobile: all those flashing blue lights and sounds. Never a dull moment here.